Because Tom shares what makes him laugh, and since I am all about sharing, today’s post is brought to you by Tom’s sense of humour and the things he has shared that tickled me.
PET OWNERS ARE PEOPLE TOO
Parker poodle understands grammar and complete sentences. We’ve had some serious talks lately, what with the ankle and crutches and everything. This week, Tweety has joined the conversation, since they are both concerned about not only my welfare, but my ability to care for them. Sometimes though, as pet owners we really have to lay down the law with them — the pets that is — as demonstrated by this letter.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for years – canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is as follows: kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!
Your owner/Mistress/Master (or in the case of cats…. The Staff.)
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About the Pets
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it FURniture.) [Tip from me: leather furniture reduces the problem)
3. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly. [Okay — maybe this is taking it TOO far. Kids are kids, pets are hmmm… something else.].