Stop it.

Once upon a time the original cabal of journalists decided that human nature wants to read about conflict and anything unusual. And ever since that day, that’s mostly what the news is all about, except for a cute kid story, a love story, a medical breakthrough, or an animal rescue story. The news is not fun these days. I’d like it to stop for a while.

In fact there are a lot of things I’d like to stop: wars for one. I could mention a few other things — stock market madness, water scarcity, poverty, patent trolls, patent wars, the obsession with building superjails, and outdated political models to name a few — but they pale in comparison to the one thing that, above all others, must stop: the shocking and sad proliferation of plaid shorts for guys.

Plaid exists for kilts and for lumberjack shirts and for wool blankets and nothing else. Yet, boys and men of all shapes and sizes and ages are wearing plaid shorts in an array of fabrics, from polyester (yuck) to linen through to cotton and a myriad of fabric blends. The thing is, it doesn’t matter what fine fabric plaid shorts are made of, plaid shorts are ugly. Who cares that they’re in men’s fashion magazines? On the runways? They are flat-out ugly and unflattering; a major faux pas, particularly on anyone who wears them who is not tall, lean and rakish. Which is the majority of the men in the Western world. End the reign of plaid shorts. Stop it. Now.

Oh, and stopping plaid shorts must be accompanied by stopping anything that has horizontal stripes. Horizontal lines are appropriate for architects, engineers, artists, builders, sailors, navigators and kids who play with building blocks. Not shirts, dresses, coats — in short, never appropriate for human wearing. I can’t believe guys fell for this. Horizontal stripes have a best before date and that best before date is before you are maybe one-year old. After that, it’s just wrong. Why do men want to look like big babies?

Nothing that’s worn on any human body should ever have horizontal stripes unless it’s a horizontal line of reflective tape to save your life at night while you’re out walking or biking. I say — boycott any designer who designs anything with a horizontal stripe that can be seen with the naked eye. Stop uglification. Stop the horizontal stripe. Now.

ps. This is also true for girls who wear guys’ clothing. Plaid shorts and horizontal tops make you look like a dorky guy. Stop before you start. DO NOT do it.


About FS

Toronto, Canada. Writing about slices of life, the moments and minor details of which come into awareness or out of imagination and the spaces inbetween.
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4 Responses to Stop it.

  1. finding my way says:

    Cracking up! I so agree. I think if we reach into our individual cool, which is what actually defines cool, I doubt very many women or men would choose to wear plaid shorts or horizontal stripes. It’s too bad that cool is now something defined by people that truly have no concept of cool. To all those people attempting to define cool for the rest of us… STOP! Real cool starts at a way more basic level than marketing. To all those people attempting to be cool, JUST BE YOURSELF, that’s what cool is all about.

    • finding my way says:

      Ummm… that’s assuming, of course, that cool is the objective. If not, follow whatever misguided leader you prefer.

      • fs says:

        Dear FMW: Agreed: Anything that is done with the intent of being cool, is by definition not cool. Cool comes from the inside, not the outside. 🙂

  2. hahahaha!! It’s so true about the plaid shorts!

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