Why there won’t be a Zombie Apocalypse

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There’s no escaping the constant hype of an imminent Apocalypse that’ll destroy most of humankind, except for the good ones, or the ones who are smart enough to avoid it, along with cats and dogs and elephants and sure as you’re born, the unicorn. There are different opinions as to what or who will carry out the Apocalypse project, but the prevailing view of the popcult mind points zombies. Of course — a Zombie Apocalypse. Because there’s nothing more entertaining or frightening than the idea of death at the hands of the hordes of stinky, smelly zombies, zombie who walk in that jerky, spastic, staggering way that zombies walk; zombies on an inexorable march to bring death and destruction to all of us tasty treats.

We are, in this apocalyptic scenario, reduced to edible non zombies. We are the ones who will be cornered and pulled out of our houses and cars and huts and rickshaws, thrown to the ground by zombies who will chow down on us like we’re chicken wings, thereby killing us, although some of us will have little bites taken out to turn us into zombies so that we too can be part of the zombie horde and the Zombie Apocalypse.

Rest easy, people. There won’t be a Zombie Apocalypse. Want to know why there won’t be a Zombie Apocalypse? It’s quite simple really; zombies are slow. Do the physics. By the time they get their slow-moving zombie asses to the starting line, some other apocalyptic thing will have happened.

Zombies are number six on the chart of possible things that will bring about an apocalypse. So we can stop worrying a Zombie Apocalypse. But, we might want to educate ourselves about the other five chart-toppers in the lineup, a chart compiled in secret chambers by those who know stuff that mattera such as game theory, theoretical physics, all the laws of every science, including the pseudoscience ones. They are also experts in the art of comic books and many other important things. This is the chart of probable apocalypse scenarios.

  • In fifth place is a planetary alignment. An ancient Mayan calendar ends on December 21, 2012, which happens to be the date that a number of planets align in a certain way. According to some interpretations, the Mayan calendar predicts this planetary alignment. Those same interpreters say that this alignment signals the Apocalypse to begin. Note that Mayan people do not believe in this calendar or what it suggests. But white, Christian based, Anglo-Saxon people do and isn’t that what counts?
  • In fourth place are otherworldly creatures raining down fire and brimstone. This scenario is described in a chapter of the Bible written by a very disgruntled man named John. Seems he was mad at a group of peaceful Christians who lived in peace and cooperation with their fellow Roman citizens. He thought terrible things should happen to them and what better way to wreak revenge than to write a short story and scare them? He vented his vitriol claiming it a message from God, a dark prophesy to scare people into behaving the way he thought they should. Some people do believe this will happen and are preparing for the day that the new and quieter Kingdom of God arrives, the one without Google, Facebook, Twitter, reality TV, poor people, intellectuals, reasonable people and any temptations, particularly the temptations of the flesh. Others see it as a parable of a parental God saying to wayward kids, “don’t make me come down there!”
  • In third place are viruses, under the broad category of plagues. Word on the street is that there’s a wild species of engineered mutant ninja viruses that are not only airborne, but can live outside of host bodies for 240 hours. They are not nice viruses: one causes your face to fall off, which dramatically affects the ability to drive and to breathe. Another virus induces nightmares that causes people to die in their sleep. There are many, many more viruses, all of them engineered to do horrid things. In the wrong hands, they could trigger the Apocalypse.
  • In second place is accelerated climate change causing crazy natural disasters, making the planet inhospitable to anything that wants to live a stable life. The web of effects of this Apocalypse scenario includes, but is not limited to, water shortages, food shortages, earthquakes, flooding, and nude sunbathing by men and women who shouldn’t ever be nude in public. Accelerated climate change is already setting off a wild chain of events, already affecting life as we know it. Enough people believe that this is what will trigger the Apocalypse that work is currently underway to build an eco-friendly Ark II, a sort of floating, covered city designed to withstand floods, earthquakes, fires, cyclones and volcanic eruptions and massive doses of PMS. Two reality TV shows are in production. One focuses on gathering up pairs of everything to load onto the ark. The winner of that show is guaranteed a place on the ark. The other show is a contest to find a modern-day Noah, or if it’s a woman, Noelle.
  • In first place, ready to usher in the Apocalypse and threaten humanity’s survival is a group of humans known universally as The A**holes. They are sprinkled across the globe, in every crook and nanny of human societies and cultures around the world, from the lowest of the low to the highest of the high and smack dab in the middle. They are in political parties, in management, in unions, in unemployment lines, in religions, in cults, in marketing and PR departments, in hospitals, schools, sports teams, subways, tunnels, deserts, shantytowns, ice cream parlours and in dog parks. They are often found in cars and trucks on roads around the world: they are the ones backing up at red lights and talking on their cell phones, gesturing wildly as they take that sharp turn in the road. They are the ones who say, “what do you mean you don’t love me? I love you. That’s all that matters.” These are people who live by the motto, the masses are asses and I’m here to prove it! A**holes drive us stark, raving mad. And that is their seditious strategy to bring about the Apocalypse. Their plan is this: on a certain day at a certain time, all a**holes around the world will ramp up their particular flavour and personal brand of a**holeness and we who are not a**holes will not be able to cope. We’ll have a raging meltdown. Our heads will explode. We will be defeated. By a**holes.

So it is predicted. The odds are not forever in our favour. And the truth has emerged: the Apocalypse, if there is one, has never been about good or evil. It’s been about crazy taking over; when reasonable people find themselves incredulous and immobilized, trapped  between rage and fear, caught between an inescapable asshole and lumbering zombie.

Thanks to Pandora, there is hope. Research by a group calling itself The Resistance has developed a vaccine that provides immunity to all forms of what assholism, particularly politicized strains of it. Interestingly, The Resistance’s research showed striking genetic similarities between a**holes and zombies, which might explain an unexpected and happy outcome of the clinical trials for the a**hole vaccine: it also provides protection against zombies. Hope always provides a way.

So there you have it. There won’t be a Zombie Apocalypse. Not only are zombies far down on the list of probable causes of an apocalypse, but there’s another order that is just as compelling. According to the Intergalactic Rules of the Alphabetic Order of All Things, a taxonomy that includes the line up for causing an apocalypse, they’ll have to wait their turn: A (eh) comes before Z(ed).

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About FS

Toronto, Canada. Writing about slices of life, the moments and minor details of which come into awareness or out of imagination and the spaces inbetween.
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